the meaning of life.

earlier today i wrote how confused i felt about my future.

posting on ^tent (an open-source twitter) "what is your purpose in life?", a user sent me a link to sketch in india ink, a vignette by hjalmar söderberg, swedish novelist, playwright, poet and journalist.

for any of you out there also suffering from quarter-life crises, or simply in an existential mood, voilà:

sketch in india ink

one april day many years ago, at a time when i still wondered about the meaning of life,i went into a little cigar store on a back street to buy a cigar. i selected a dark and square el zelo, put it in my cigar case, paid for it, and prepared to leave. but all of a sudden it occurred to me to show the young girl, who worked in the store and from whom i usually bought my cigars, a little sketch in india ink that i happened to have in my wallet. i had gotten it from a young artist and in my opinion it was very beautiful. “look,” i said and handed it to her. “what do you think of this?” she took it in her hands with a curious interest and looked at it for a long time very closely. she turned it around in all directions and her face held an expression of concentrated thought.

“well, what does it mean?” she asked at last with an eager glance. i was caught a bit off guard. “i doesn’t mean anything in particular,” i answered. “it is only a landscape. this is land and that is sky and that is a road…an ordinary road…”, “of course i see that,” she hissed in a fairly unfriendly tone, “but i want to know what it means.”

i stood there bewildered and at a loss. i had never thought that it ought to mean something. but this idea of hers could not be shaken. she had assumed that the picture must be some sort of “find the cat.” why else would i have shown it to her? at last she put it against the windowpane so it became transparent. presumably, someone had once shown her some sort of peculiar playing card that under normal light looks like a nine of diamonds or a jack of spades, but which when held against the light, represents something obscene. but her examination brought no results.

she returned the sketch and i prepared to leave. then the poor girl suddenly became very red and burst out with tears in her voice: “shame! it’s not very nice of you to make a fool of me like this. i know very well that i am a poor girl who hasn’t been able to afford any education, but that doesn’t mean you should make fun of me. can’t you tell me what your picture means?”

what should i answer? i would have given a great deal to be able to tell her what it meant, but i couldn’t, because it did not mean anything.

yes, it is now many years since then. now i smoke different cigars and buy them in a different store, and i no longer wonder about the meaning of life, but that is not because i think i have found it.

right now, this minute...

this is happening...

...and i'm thinking about what lies ahead. a little part of me hoped that arriving in a spanking new destination, on the opposite side of the world i grew up in, would somehow show me my path in life. or, if not show me outright, then insinuate and nudge me in the right direction. hinting with a wink.

one of my favourite quotes says "the only zen you find on the tops of mountains is the zen you bring there" because it describes the essence of finding your truth within. you can run anywhere in the world, but however fast you run, when you eventually tire and slow down, all your baggage is shipped to you, express, and you must finally unpack and face what's in there, wrapped in layers of tissue and old newspapers.

don't get me wrong, moving house to a different continent is packed with lessons: the confidence in yourself blossoms as does the pride in following your dreams, the challenges of adapting to a new culture, the inspiring individuals you meet along the way, these grow you as a person and gradually shed light on the hidden corners of yourself you hadn't realized were there. the same goes for a change in career; any shift in your normal life will bring sparkling new qualities to the surface, and rough edges you'll need to polish.

but i'm talking about my purpose. that soul-searching question we all ponder in the dark: "what am i meant to do in this world?". it's been torturing me of late, an itch i desperately want to scratch and can't reach.

the one thing i have observed, however, is that while i'm on a quest to answer this question, part of the solution is: learn. when we turn passionately to learning, more pieces of the puzzle are slotted into position, revealing our place in the world.

in sadhana i was studying several aspects of hindu and buddhist philosophy. in sri lanka i took part in a vipassana course, which left me reeling for over a week in the realizations i had. now i feel at a loss, nothing doing, as they say here.

i'm unsure where to start. and that's me, right now, this minute...

purifying the mind.

chatting to a friend last night, we spoke about meditations that purify the mind. vipassana is just one of these, there are many techniques that claim to aid this aim.

however, i have often found, talking about this matter, that we are often missing the introspection that goes before assuming lotus.

i'll use the metaphor i came up with last night: if we imagine a scientist who wishes to filter water from a stream for it to be pure enough to drink, she will first have to study and analyze what she is purifing the water of; what organisms and particles. this way she can begin eliminating these undesired elements that make the water impure. but first she knew what needed to be done, she didn't start by creating filters with the hope of purifying the water.

so in the same way, before purifying the mind we must have an idea of what the mind needs to be cleansed of.

the clearer our knowledge of ourselves is, the clearer our understanding of what needs to be purified, the better the focus with which we shall proceed.

let's all be scientist of our mind, then.

healthy lunch when travelling

so you know i'm aiming to make my 27th year my fit year.

one of the tricks we've come up with to be both healthy and save a bit of cash is eating a home-made salad with fresh produce from the local market.

see, at least in india and sri lanka, cheap food you can buy on the go tends to be fried. fried, fried, fried. which sometimes hits the spot and too many times causes a break-out of spots.

so if your closest restaurant only offers a variety of samosas, sandwiches or pastries, pop down to the corner shop and then ask your guesthouse owner for a plate and a knife. now you're armed with all you need.

having a full-on sri lankan breakfast is both delicious and filling, so come lunch we buy whatever is going cheaply at our local fruit'n'veg and make a salad. today's was avo, tomato and cucumber. for some reason, avo's in india are super expensive, therefore here we're making up for lost time and cash by using any excuse to buy more of these vitamin-packed babies. (20lkr an avo, people, that's 0,33 cents of a euro!)

for desert, you ask? why, papaya on the beach, of course!

yum.

a story - filling the bottle of oil.

this story was told during my vipassana course. but i believe that for all of us, students of meditation or not, the lesson applies.

let's all follow lives of optimism, realism and workism. 

a mother sent her son with an empty bottle and a ten-rupee note to buy some oil from the nearby grocer's shop. the boy went and had the bottle filled, but as he was returning he fell down and dropped it. before he could pick it up, half of the oil spilled out. finding the bottle half empty, he came back to his mother crying, "oh, i lost half the oil! i lost half the oil!". he was very unhappy.

the mother sent another son with another botle and another ten-rupee note. he also had the bottle filled, and while returning fell down and dropped it. again, half the oil spilled out. picking up the bottle, he came back to his mother very happy: "oh look, i saved half the oil!". both came to the mother in the same position, with a bottle that was half empty, half full. one was crying for the empty one, one was happy with the filled part.

then the mother sent another son with another bottle and a ten-rupee note. he also fell down while returning and dropped the bottle. half of the oil spilled out. he picked up the bottle and, like the second boy, came to his mother very happy: "mother, i saved half the oil!". but this boy was a vipassana boy, full not only of optimism, but also of realism. he understood, "well, half of the oil was saved, but half was also lost". and so he said to his mother, "now i shall go to the market, work hard for the whole day, earn five rupees, and get this bottle filled. by evening, i will have it filled". this is vipassana. no pessimism; instead, optimism, realism and "workism"!

a story: seed and fruit.

dragon fruit

during my meditation course, many stories were told. stories from folklore, sacred texts or passed down from generations past.

one such story, on the day we listened to the discourse on wholesome actions, was the following:

seed and fruit

as the cause is, so the effect will be. as the seed is, so the fruit will be. as the action is, so the result will be.

in the same soil a farmer plants two seeds: one a seed of sugar cane, the other a seed of neem tree, a tropical tree which is very bitter. two seeds in the same earth, receiving the same water, the same sunshine, the same air; nature gives the same nourishment to both. two tiny plants emerge and start growing. and what has happened to the neem tree? it has developed with bitterness in every fibre, while the sugar cane has developed with every fibre of it sweet. why is nature, or, if you prefer, why is God so kind to one and so cruel to the other?

no, no, nature is neither cruel nor kind. it works according to fixed laws. nature only helps the quality of the seed to manifest. all the nourishment merely helps the seed to reveal the quality that is latent within itself. the seed of the sugar cane has the quality of sweetness; therefore the plant will have nothing but sweetness. the seed of the neem tree has the quality of bitterness; the plant will have nothing but bitterness. as the seed is, so the fruit will be.

the farmer goes to the neem tree, bows down three times, walks around it 108 times, and then offers flowers, incense, candles, fruit and sweets. and then he starts praying. "oh neem god, please give me sweet mangoes, i want sweet mangoes!". poor neem god, he cannot give them, he has no power to do so. if someone wants sweet mangoes, he ought to plant a seed of a mango tree. then he need not cry and beg for help from anyone. the fruit that he will get will be nothing but sweet mangoes. as the seed is, so the fruit shall be.

our difficulty, our ignorance is that we remain unheedful while planting seeds. we keep planting seeds of neem, but when the time comes for fruit we are suddenly alert, we want sweet mangoes. and we keep crying and praying and hoping for mangoes. this doesn't work.


so here's to me planting sweet mangoes as often as i can. 

the art of living: Vipassana.

i have spent the last 10 days doing a Vipassana course in anuradhapura, sri lanka.

vipassana is the essence of Buddha's teachings, but let me state now, it is not sectarian or buddhist in any religious understanding. vipassana has helped thousands of people from all cultures, backgrounds and beliefs.

it is super simple in theory, very hard and challenging in practice. it's taught during 10 days and is open to anyone who sincerely wants to get to know their inner reality better. during 10 days, participants remain at the facilities where the course is held, having no contact with the outside world. for the entire time, they must follow a strict code of morality which includes celibacy, abstention from intoxicants and noble silence - silence of the mind and speech.

during the first 3 days we practiced mental concentration by focusing on the natural breath and feeling sensations on our upper lip. after we were introduced to Vipassana in its essence: observing the body's sensations and learning how the root of all suffering stems from craving, aversion and ignorance.

how so? well quite simply: if we want something and don't get it, we become miserable. if we don't want something to happen and it does, we become miserable. we understand this on an intellectual level, but it's difficult to experience. Vipassana is created with this aim in mind; to experience the truth. when you have been sitting in silence for 10 hours, your body begins reacting, it is not happy. it wants to be distracted, it's in pain. it craves attention, becomes averse to sitting in the same position. and this makes us miserable. the technique teaches you not to give in to these desires, but to observe them. by observing them, they become weaker and weaker until they disappear. so we experience suffering and the truth behind it: that it eventually goes away.

Vipassana means "insight" in the ancient pali language Buddha spoke; insight into how the sensations on the body affect our mental balance. in fact, the two words most pronounced by Goenka, the teacher, during the course are: awareness and equanimity. through these two values we will learn how to be happy. by being aware, we are able to observe ourselves and not react. if the weather is sunny, we are aware it makes us happy but we think "i am aware this shall change". when the sun goes away and it becomes stormy, we are aware of it and think "the clouds are here but this shall change". it is about accepting the changing nature of the universe and not reacting. only this way shall we have an equanimous, balanced mind. and a balanced mind that is not constantly reacting with "like!", "dislike!", is a happy mind.

once, Buddha was asked to explain real happiness. he said:

"when faced with all the ups and downs of life, 
still the mind remains unshaken, 
not lamenting, not generating defilements, always staying secure; 
this is the greatest happiness"

on the last day of vipassana, we were taught the loving-kindness meditation, in which one sends love to every being. it's beautiful and the logical conclusion of Vipassana meditation: the development of goodwill toward others. 

swastika perspective

the omnipresent symbol of India and a constant Hindu reminder of how we look at things: when i first arrived i was disturbed by its nazi associations. the longer i live here, the more i come to see it as a sign of auspiciousness and joy.

a constant reminder to see the cup of chai half full, if you will. 

karma yoga

as i work my way through the Bhagavad Gita, a Hindu scripture that can and is used by many as a guide to day-to-day life, i want to share the lessons that resonate the most with me. karma yoga has long held my interest. also known as selfless service, it's the yogic path to perfection through action.

behind our actions there are generally two types of attitude: one is the assured feeling, "i shall enjoy the fruit of my action. i have a right to it". on the contrary, there is a feeling, "if i am not to enjoy the fruit of my action, then i will not act at all".

in the Gita, we find another attitude of mind or way of life, which says, "you must of course act, but don't think that you have a right to the fruit". the man who acts has no doubt a right to the fruit. but the aim is to give up this fruit of your own free will. in other words, do the work and give up the fruit.

"karmany ev'ādhikāras te
mā phalesu kadācana 
mā karma-phala-hetur bhūr- 
mā te sango'stv akarmani" 

this paragraph in chapter II says, "to work alone you have the competence not to claim their fruits. let not the longing for fruits be the motive force of your action. at the same time let not this attitude confirm you in indolent inaction". those who practice karma yoga will have a radiant body and mind; there is no motive behind their work, their gifts to the world. and besides these benefits, they also receive the great gift of purity of mind. there is no deceit or hypocrisy, the action comes from a place of contentment. there is no need for material gains.

karma yoga also flows into society: it is an ideal. in a community, a man is born before one and after another. it becomes the responsability of the one who was born earlier to set an example to those who come later. it is the responsability of the elders to the younger generation, the parent to the child, of the leader to the followers, of the teacher to the pupils, to set example through action.

and he or she who practice karma yoga are unceasingly devoted to their work. for in it, they see joy and vanity loses ground in their societ.

when i am overcome by laziness, or other undesireable states of mind, my current objective is to seek out seva (selfless work). luckily for me, living in a community enables me to find one with relative ease: there's always something to be done. sometimes i fail and succumb to negativity, sometimes I succeed. the more i succeed the more natural it becomes and the results are undeniable: creating positive habits is the key to a more fulfilled life.

last friday i'd had a long day preparing huts for new volunteers, a job i enjoy and take pride in. however, by nightfall i was ready to tuck into my book and curl under my moskito net alone. the community had other plans: kitchen cleaning on a friday is a particularly taxing job, it takes place late and involves a lot of work, but the reduced nature of our current community meant we were down one person and it's not a single person job. as my mind raced over ways to avoid helping, i walked myself to the kitchen and began rinsing pots and pans. within minutes my apathy was overcome and i was enjoying a chat on german fairytales with a volunteer friend of mine. i went to bed with a smile.

karma yoga dictates that after taking action and performing seva, i am no longer the owner of the outcome. such a freeing realization that i can put my heart and soul into my work and then surrender the outcome to the universe. what shall be shall be, yes, but knowing i did the utmost so that what shall be, shall be good.

my favourite way so far of practicing unattachment. 

mobius - a strip

there is no separation between inner and outer. if we run our fingers softly along the paths our lives take, we will see how that which is spiritual and that which is external reality are one and the same.